Vomit. Vomit. Whatever. You wear a tiara in public.
i just hope all the shady shit stops so i can let him into my pants
He IMed me 5 times, before my homepage even loaded. This is not gonna work out for me
There is a newly found video on my phone of me following you to the bathroom to watch you throw up. sorry I didn't hold your hair
I'm doing this for my boobs. They miss him.
I can't even go pee because I'm making sure he doesn't run off somewhere naked.
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
I don't know what song to play at my bong's funeral!
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
It's Jesse McGoddamn Cartney, the whole world sings that shit
He did a backflip because drugs
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Randomize
