already putting money aside for 4/20. you ready for the greatest tuesday ever?
There should be a blender full of rum, tea, and grape jelly in the freezer. She thought it was a good idea until she blew chunks.
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
What a dumb baby whore.
Any clothing i put on is too many clothes.
I am coping with the snow storm with beer and shots of jack. If I were outside in shorts I might be able to pass as a Canadian.
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
he taught all the little kids to ski. it was stupid hot. i'm pretty sure my ovaries exploded.
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
Bringing my mom Taco Bell and weed. I'm such a good daughter
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
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