Im telling you now. Hang out with winning football players and you get whatever the hell you want. Sorry to wake you. But its important knowledge.
she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
No we didn't have sex. I got my period on his finger.
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
Just ordered a clown who does balloon animals. No backing out now.
She either was great at sex or I finished the whole bottle of svedka my self
You slammed your forties down on the table and yelled "I AM EDWARD FORTYHANDS" then mumbled something about repping Idaho like a champ and laid down on the couch.
I know it sucks but it's just something that needs to be done though. Like shaving ur pubes or going to the dentist.
No, they seem attractive after SIX beers, after three they're just the gender you're looking for.
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
I don't think I've ever met a guy with a bush bad enough that I would choose a cactus over it.
I can see your house from here
Get off of his fucking roof
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
Im glad your laughing because im currently convincing my penis you didnt mean it and its all gunna be ok.
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