I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
this girl is running around outside screaming, it's creaming on me! it's creaming on me. I totally have to find my video camera
Drunk lesbians having an argument about their realationship isn't as hot as I imagined.....
I think he's on the stoner protein diet. I just saw him, at 3 am, spreading mayo on a slice of deli ham and sprinkling salt on top.
No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
As a matter of fact, I am on the treadmill with the Bottle of UV Blue as we speak.....
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
And you seriously thought you could just walk in naked with a bow tied around your penis?
It seemed like a good idea at the time...
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
My roommate made maccoroni last nigh dropped the bowl off the counter knocking it into the dog bowl he picked up the dog bowl and started eating it claiming it was te worst Mac and cheese ever and if he wasnt so high he would stop eating it hahahaha
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