Does my surprise involve the use of a safe word?
Probably.
I'm in.
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
They're having chugging contests. With juice. Please get me out of Utah.
Is it bad that I stopped wanting to fuck her as soon as I noticed she had dry skin?
I sometimes completely doubt that you're straight.
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
this year's halloween challenge: make audrey hepburn go from classy to slutty drunk
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
Please make the clown in the corner stop judging me. I mean he's the one with paint on his face. I don't need him judge judying me.
She told me to act like the hulk during sex. Shit got 9 different shades of weird
Vodka?
Forever.
That's what you get for dating construction workers you meet in tunnels.
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
Randomize
