he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
I just rolled a joint with a page from On The Road by Kerouac. I have never felt like more of a hipster.
Ya know, I lied. I wouldn't mess with him. Not because of the crazy/rehab issues... but because he wears tank-tops.
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
just used my nephews bottle to take my birth control
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
Hold on I'm doing something revolutionary that blossomed from a high idea
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
he'll always be the guy that i fucked on the bathroom floor
Only I could go on a date with one guy, have a beer with a different guy and go home with the guy im trying to avoid. I have a talent or a problem.
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
I can still be you friend and be there for you. And sometimes get drunk and fuck you.
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
She used a candle as a shot glass.. A FUCKING CANDLE BRO!!
you better come over.. I need a witness to help prove the couch talks to me
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