I wrote a list of all my homework due in the next few weeks. I feel I've done enough for tonight.
going to the gym drunk. fuck whoever made basketball season and getting a spring break ready body in the same season.
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
I think all I remember saying is, "I love Chris Berman's voice" and then I passed out
we got hammered off table wine and i ended up biting my acrylic nail off so i could finger his butt.. ill never look at valentines day the same
Those foam number one hands, are the BEST socks.
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
I'm really not interested in hearing from him. Unless there is casual sex involved
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
I am become drunk, destroyer of all worlds
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