Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
we're at Rob's house and just invented the best drinking game ever....we are on Chatroulette and everytime we see a dick we all have to drink.
Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
I just test ran being their maid. I'm getting 50 bucks a month and they're buying the costume.
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
wow, you never really realize how many muscles you have in your crotch until you pull them all.
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
You decided it was too difficult to walk down the stairs so you just rolled across his kitchen floor laughing like a maniac and trying to drink at the same time
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
He fell asleep cradling my ass and every time I moved he adjusted his hand accordingly. I've found the one.
WHY CANT I FIND JUST A NORMAL DISNEY LOVING MAN TO PAINT WITH ALL THE COLORS OF THE WIND WITH!!
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
A cop may or may not have seen my bare ass against the moonlight within the past hour
Randomize
