the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
Please don't tell me I was shouting "I'm bleeding from my vagina" in front of my ex-boyfriend and his new girlfriend.
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
Tonight just try not to threaten to pee on the hot guys buying us drinks....please..
Had a dream I beat up niall then madeout with him while snorting coke out of a dragons egg
I just want to like fall into a pit of hot wings beside a keg of yingling and eat my way to freedom
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
He said that I started crying after sex because he was leaving to go back to Europe after the semester was over and I wouldn't see his dick anymore. This is why I need to stop hooking up with the exchange students.
I just pulled a seven inch black hair out of my ass. Pretty sure that means we're dating now
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
The lady that was sitting beside me thought the best way to cheer herself up was to pet and ruffle my hair while crying and telling me her problems...
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
Sadly my Summer of Cocks is coming to an end
Randomize
