it was all good till he told me to dance slow and quiet
We George Forman grilled some girls phone last night.
She just used a turkey baster to transfer alcohol from the glass to the bottle. Just thought you should know
everyday i become more and more impressed with my facebook stalking skills
Between cock and motorcycle I'm glad I don't have to sit at work tomorrow
How do I tactfully ask if the neighbors downstairs can hear me beating it?
He made me a "booty call of the year" award.
Imagine the time you most wanted to kill yourself. Now add a room full of jail bait and no booze. Multiply that by a million.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
I own a halfway home for drunk girls, this is my life
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
He said that he doesn't like skittles. This relationship is over an it hasn't even started yet.
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