I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
after we had sex he went grocery shopping. at 6 am. i've never been more confused in my life
Preparing for thanksgiving at home now by chugging bourbon. Less than a month to train!
You do realize that we got a stripper to do the YMCA for us on the main stage... Right?
I know. She seems like she getting that "need some dick" restlessness. Might explain the feisty attitude
I mean, I'm twenty four years old and I've never paid for my own drink. You can't say that any of your ex girlfriends boobs are THAT great.
I'd rather just be alone, than deal with this bullshit. I just want to be alone. Cats and vibrators never let you down.
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
I am not betting on the failure of any friend that is not you.
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
Sneezing cum all over the table was not the highlight of the family reunion if that tells you anything
Wtf happened last night
You traded your bra for a shot so I'd say you probably don't wanna know
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
Did you just affectionately call me a scrotum?
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