im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
Im starting to realize why people dont masturbate while driving
we were wasted and he didn't have a condom so he called the front desk and asked for one. They didn't "officially" have them but the night manager happened to have one in his wallet. He brought it to the room with two mints.
You compared your dick to a twizzler. In no way, shape, or form is that a turn on.
No one even knew you were hurt until we saw the multiple cuts to prove it, and when we asked what happened all you could say was "I fell out"
I'm still in shock that he came by my house for five minutes dropped off a Teddy bear and went to the strip club on valentines day
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
She literally just cut half her hair off because she's tired of asking someone to hold it back when shes drunk and puking.
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
How is it??
I'm drinking Gatorade out of a champagne flute.
That girl is like a master class on how to be an unlovable crazy person.
It's totally a relationship. we have sex in other people's beds, watch mad men while high and get drunk on his teammates' beer. don't you dare stomp on my dreams with your societal judgments
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
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