I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
you were mad bc i took longer then 2 minutes to finish
just once i'd like the "right thing" and the "topless thing" to be the SAME THING
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
I'm home alone drinking wine, so high, scrubbing my house down... This is what my thirsty thursday has become
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
And he came by and picked me up. We cuddled in his car then had sex until... an officer doing his rounds put a spotlight on crazy haired, naked me straddling him.
Like he was inside me when I made eye contact with a police man.
The first thing we did this morning was see if we could see her barf in the prking lot from the roof. We could. It was in 5 spaces.
Business idea: assless chaps for toddlers. I'm high.
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
We are no longer allowed to make spur of the moment decisions about our love lives
ABSOLUTELY NOT
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
Randomize