i wish peter jackson would direct porn
Yes someone did see you carrying a beer bong on the side of coastal highway
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
i'm not accepting baked goods from anyone for awhile. especially after the stalker pie.
when life gives you lemons, puke and rally.
Are you still goin to the xmas party?
Yaaaa why?
Jus making sure i will have nice people i know to put a blanket over me when i pass out in the field .
He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..
I think i'm going to homewreck at this Disney on Ice show.
I kept having to give myself encouraging advice like, "you know how a path works"
Saw your dad at the bar last night... And again this morning when he left. Told you not to mess with me bitch.
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
You made noises. And kept meowing. I have a twenty minute phone call to prove it.
He totally fucked me in his Chewbacca socks
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
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