Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
Once he past out I measured his penis with my remote.
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
Well last time he got out of rehab he lasted 6 hours. So 3 days this time is quite an accomplishment.
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
When we were fucking he said and I quote "we're like a sex fajita"
I see your creepy poodle photo and raise you a shirtless elderly gentleman who looks like a yetti in cutoffs who may or may not have an ENORMOUS erection.
.... touche....
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
Ya it was crazy the power went just as she was about orgasm and the vibrator got fried with the power surge
I helped you wax your vagina and you won't even get me Corn Nuts you fucking bitch?
I apologize for there being a shopping cart in the living room. I don't know how why or where i got it.
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
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