she's walking around the room telling people she can make the room move with her mind and then she shakes her head really fast yelling 'see?!'
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
my bartender licked my nipple. never stay after hours
Taking advantage of alcohol's depressant capabilities to curtail my fever. SCIENCE!
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
There a special place in hell for drunk criers. A special FUCKING PLACE
All I'm saying is the next time I see him naked, there better be something in it for me that doesn't end in bailing him out of jail.
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
you said "it's karaoke night" and tried to use my dick as a microphone
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
The Adderall says yes, but my body says no.
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
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