If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
my ultimate dream in life is to have sperm so powerful that it will rival that of jim bob duggar.
She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
Turned in a paper today on drug abuse. Chose to write about percocet. Just realized I started 2 sentences with "This amazing drug"
I just realized that he was my first random hookup that didnt cause a massive breakup or divorce. Im starting to grow up
heres the thing, we have 120 cans of beer left in the fridge. until thats finished we cant fit food in the fridge
Dude so coolest charity idea ever, think aids walk but instead of miles you drink beers oh the possibilities
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
I'm sure he'll make the rejection quick and completely justified.
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
I woke up this morning with a tampon in my nose and food EVERYWHERE...
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
COVER ME IN BACON THATS MY FETISH
ACTUALLY ITS NOT, I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA WHAT AWAKENS THE MONSTER BELOW THE BELT
My bookbag can hold 30+ beers. They shoulda put that on the tag bc its a big selling point
Randomize
