I specifically asked you not to be slutty tonight.
the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
You were shirtless with a cowboy hat in 15 degree weather then u shotgunned a can of mixed vegetable Progresso soup
Guy next to me is looking up how to press his own ecstasy pills. I'm going to befriend him and see where this goes
He's either jacking off or listening to Kanye West.
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
Last night was like blooper reel sex. He dropped me!!
I responded with revoking his blow job privileges. Needless to say, he's learned his lesson.
I AM OFFICIALLY LICENSED TO BE A LESBIAN
He told you he loved you. Then you wanted to find a chainsaw to cut his dick off.
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
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