I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
I mean i might have to drop this class tomorrow. I just walked into a midterm
He just said "fuck you" to the bowl he's eating things out of
I think she's going to be dangerous to drink with, but I'm ready for the adventure.
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
Gotta admit I did think about bartering you out to the gay guys for $20 and the dudes flashy neck scarf
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
sexting just seems like too much work right now.
It's a family event: you have to drink. No way around it. Its the law.
I accidentally just texted my dad asking if he wants to do shrooms with me. Do I leave the city now or...
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
lord you gonna make me abandon my soup for tasteful catboy nudes
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