i am sick of getting naked and seeing how fat i am.
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
she is like cheap alcohol. you can only get so buzzed before you get sick.
Was the mom I hooked up with decently attractive I feel like her two friends were hotter
I enjoyed our heart to heart in the trunk on the way to the stripclub
it wasn't sex so much as.....a disastrously uncomfortable sexual experience
I wanna introduce you to my balls, Thunder and Lightning.
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
wow wtf man i was the friend bailing you out of jail with 500 cash and you didnt have the common courtesy of waking me up for class when i passed out drunk and naked in the bath tub
Between falling off a shelf on to a concrete floor and sex with you - i may never walk again.
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
Randomize
