I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
And I'm also limping. I just wish that I had self control. I'm 23 for fuck sake and I'm sitting at work, with mascara down my face, vomit on my clothes and an unknown black substance on my tits. How will I ever find my Greek husband if I keep this up?
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
Just at the gym drinking. We call it treadmillcolada
you know it's been too long when the heat of a pizza box on your lap turns you on.
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
I woke up in the middle of the night on all fours turning circles in my bed! No more patron for me!
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
I swear he is my soulmate. He kept feeding me goldfish while we were fucking. Who wouldn't enjoy that while having sex.
If it makes you feel better he's in the stall next to me and I'm taking a diabolical shit. He's complaining
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