I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
PS Can you transmit a UTI to a sexual partner? I tried to ask, but the doctor just told me to abstain (sup Bristol) for my own good w/o answering
It's chlamydia! Thank God!
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
How early is too early for a booty call on a Monday night?
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
"We drove to the deserted part of the parking lot, and that's where we blew each other. It was so romantic."
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
When Dad gets to your house, ask him about the sound of anal beads. Happy Thanksgiving!
he told me his feelings for me AFTER sex, so that means he meant it right?
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
She puked on the floor because she said she really liked to clean.
Randomize
