Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
i'm drinking with a bunch of phds, i feel very stupid but good about my drinking abilities
she works at a police station now. i think thats the definition of keeping your enemies closer.
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
I don't think anybody else enjoys making out with multiple guys on the same night as much as I do. I'm like a wine taster but with lips... it's like art to me. The bruise on my upper lip is proof of it
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
Come over. We're getting stoned and watching DogTV
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
Dude, I'm not going to use a butt plug.
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
I finished OITNB and broke it off with my fuck buddy in the same day. It's going to be a rough week
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
Randomize
