We couldn't find any ping pong balls, so we used a fishing bobber. Could we be more country?
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
The last memory I have is vomiting into a box and her rubbing my back saying "you are such a trooper..."
you know...the drug dealer i named my baby after.
something isn't right. i offered to be his sex slave and he declined..
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
Of course I fucked her, her man stole my bike when we were kids
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
it’s my vagina i can do what i want to
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