i hit her car. ill just send her a farmville gift in the morning. then it'll be alright.
My therapist said that she thinks i may have a sex addiction. I think she may be a terrible therapist.
Want me to drive you to Dr. Drew's sex rehab?
Nah, cause then i cant masturbate to that show anymore.
you were crying because peter frampton wasnt your dad
Please fuck him. And then let me tell her. And then let me protect you from the knife she pulls from her Ed Hardy purse. Please.
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
At one point last night I over heard you say " I'm gonna puke in a bag and pour it down your throat" I LOVE YOU.
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
But college guys get to crossfade so there's that
No idea what that is
Like getting bent? When you drink and smoke together...
I'm 30 stop using your cool kids words
i sent my dealer a picture of the money i would pay him. i also told him i would pay him in cheez-its if he would prefer that.
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
I am way to hungover for it to be Thursday.
Randomize
