Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
I'm trying on my bridesmaid dress so that I can determine what will need to be done to achieve getting fucked while wearing it.
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
just woke up in a camero on the way to nebraska, i would appreciate it if you answered your phone.
She just lifted up her dress, screamed "This is gonna be a good one!" And pissed on the pole...
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
I had so much stripper lotion and body glitter on my glasses I had a hard time driving home.
Geez don't go to a bar for a few days and everyone freaks out.
I just quoted part of the Pokemon theme song in a sext... And it worked
and then after the older sorority girl asked me his name she said "he gave me the rest of his mcdonalds and I decided to go home with him. it was the best that I could hope for my night"
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