So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
tell that swedish kid i didnt take his shotgun. he GAVE it to me.
Having a dry hump session to Alvin and the chipmunks surprisingly didn't kill the mood. He's that good.
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
thanks for paying me in special brownies...but brownies dont pay the rent...anymore.
Drunk me was responsible for doing it, but sober me was definitely cheering him on
I'm the brains and you're the boobs of this operation.
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
I just noticed, at some point last night I got on iTunes and purchased over 100 classical piano songs.
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
I'm getting paid to get fucked up. How much better could this get?
Randomize
