all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
Last night was so much fun. i kept trying to lick everyone
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
I wish I could go back in time 3 years and tell my freshman self how easy it is to hook up with freshmen
Just croosed over that too drunk for chemistry class line
This better be legit desert and not your penis alamode
he was grinding on you and dedicated the song "I'm in Love With a Stripper" to you then started taking his own clothes off
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
The nausea has returned and I can't handle such things to exit my body so violently
Is eating a dinner of fishsticks and gin mean you're failing at adulthood? I'm asking for a friend.
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
Remember when we got high off our ass and you talked me into running in place then punched me in the face and said it was a wall?
Ya, you were bleeding for an hour and a half
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
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