Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
you lied vaginas dont taste like gold fish!
noo i said youre golden if her vagina tastes like fish!
just saw bouncers outside a coffee shop. beginning to question humanity.
if you don't let us come over today i'm not taking the second plan b pill. your call.
Call me at 7:30 and make sure I'm not asleep in this booth at Waffle House.
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
help me choose which girl to send myself boning to my girlfriend to make her want to break up
which one looks the most like her?
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
The sound of my own breathing is making my head throb. That hungover.
Like he and the nurses kept being so persistent with it and I just wanted to run out of there in my backless gown and yell FUCK OFF BITCHES IM OUT
he said "be careful" then handed me a cheezit...
Bjs and tacos. That's my life.
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
He deserves a nobel prize for his dick-giving abilities. 10/10, would ride again.
Don’t listen to me, I’m walking around wearing nothing but rave bracelets and headphones shouting “yeeeeaaahhhhhh”
Randomize
