I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
his logic is that since hes already cheated on her w me its doesnt count
apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
i might even pee on it at walmart i am so nervous
And then i made him answer questions about me before i took off my clothes
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
i had them turn on teen mom at the bar so i wouldnt be tempted to go home and make babies with the guy next to me
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
ever had the feeling "I've been drunk in this bathroom before?" Like De ja drunk?
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
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