You were so trashed that when you dropped your fruit rollup on the floor, you just sat next to it and cried.
New Jersey isn't a real state, it's just a myth you tell little kids to scare them like Canada or Carrot Top
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
He waited til after we had sex to tell me he had herpes... Ugh I hate being drunk
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
the thought 'we cant do it, we're in a public place' crossed my mind, and then I realized he's succeeding if he's trying to domesticate me.
elevator sex. pronto.
You offered me some of your "Jungle Juice." It was just 151 and Absinthe. I don't know how you are still alive.
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
im half tempted just to scoot up to him and whisper "I'm not wearing underwear" but idk if thats a heartfelt apology
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
Haha idk you were stealing pizza dough at dominos
i black out too much to be "responsible"
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