Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
Does the whole "it was New Years" excuse apply this year?
If I die tonight. Just know that chicken I made fuckin ruled. Recipe: Chicken with a shitload oF spice
I should have to wear a sign around the rest of the day so everyone knows the shame I feel.
I have pink band-aids all over my body, WHAT HAPPENED?
Keg backpack and a Bike
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
So I have a scar from when the stripper tore off my underwear .... Best birthday ever
And the cockring thing wasn't sexual.
Is "I am going to murder you if you keep sending me requests that I cannot fulfill" unprofesh?
He says the sweetest things but also that he wants to choke me when we fuck so it's kinda perfect.
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