I just googled how to quit your job and cause a big uproar at the same time....i tell you how tomorrow goes, i'm so excited....
Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
i can barely afford taco bell don't think a baby is in the budget
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
I really want to go out tonight but part of me wants to be able to honestly tell the judge tomorow that I didn't
It's like I'm in a vicious cycle of noncommittal penis.
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
I'm not sure. But he has a pet sugar glider. So, points either way
As long as that's not his name for his dick.
I am the murdurer of this scooby doo episode
Yiu ever laugh so hard you stop breathing? Turns out weed -can- kill you.
I can show you the world. Shining, splimbering vaginaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
I blacked out and when I woke up and looked at the counter.. there was a full cake upside down. I dont even understand ...
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