He told us that was the only place he could get service when we found him in the closet passed out with a beer
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
Held my professor's hair back while she was puking. I'd better get an A out of this or else the pics are going on Facebook.
The TA leading my study session just said "now get outta here. I need to get drunk before class"
Nvm, he just almost drank his drink from last night, his drink that has the condom in it. Kinda answers my question.
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
WTF DUDE?
Stay calm. I'm sure there's a heterosexual explanation for this
I may or may not have told him that he's "the only one with a PHD in this pussy"... I should like direct cheesy porno flicks or something.
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
she stole my Timberlands and my Sublime shirt and left her heels and bra. this is war
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
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