I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
know what turns me on? long, stringy hair on a pasty looking girl with an overstuffed backpack and kneepads over her jeans in case she falls off her scooter
your less of a man for seeing that
I dreamt I won the Huge Cock Championship last night. It was glorious.
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
I used to not like fucking fat girls but with her gut clapping against her boobs, its like a standing ovation ever time.
Here's the level of my committment: I'm not participating in the Olympic opening ceremonies drinking game. THIS IS SERIOUS.
I don't think she considers it a date unless she publicly urinates
that's just what you get for learning massage techniques from gay porn
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
ICE CREAM AND CAKE BITCHESSSSSS
And the last thing I remember was you in the bed with the german guy screaming "wrong hole" I laughed n passed out
Randomize
