We have had massive layoffs this year, yet the guy who cant flush his shit seems to still have a job
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
Nm. Exausted and my teeth just fell out again
The best, and by the best I mean the worst, was the 7 month along pregnant chick in the skin tight body suit.
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
I asked him for something to clean up with after sex and he handed me a sham wow. A SHAM WOW
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
I get stoned and write a 15 page history report in two hours. She gets stoned and cries because she "doesn't know which shade of pink is the real one".
He texted me at 4:30 in the morning saying "I'm not drunk but I think you're beautiful" and then a facebook message at 6 am saying "hi" and the subject was "oh"
She shaved her vagina in my bed. Good night
He howled at the moon then told me that if i were a dog he'd have sex with me...either i look like that girl or i need to stop going on blind dates. Period.
I brought my porn computer to class by accident
How much porn do you watch if you need a special computer?
Just saw a car towing a guy on skis drive by so that’s how Syracuse is doing today.
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