My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
Can you tell me how this chicken finger got in my pillow case?
every single time I see a picture of the two of them on facebook, I want to just call her and scream "your boyfriend said I give the best head on the east coast". But I've been told that would be inappropriate.
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
I knew it was a bad night when the only thing I could remember was you force feeding me tortilla chips as I hugged the tire of my car and begged to have my stomach pumped.
I told her to not worry about it. Lone Star is an excellent first trimester beer.
I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
Fun fact. I just wrapped myself in wrapping paper for a sext. Is this a new high or a new low stay tuned.
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
my ex logged me out of his netflix so im gonna fuck his bestfriend as revenge
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
Randomize
