cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
tan lines, throwing up everclear on the beach, doing lifeguards, tequila...summer.
I wonder if I could sublet my bathtub to anyone.
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
I am going to piss jack daniels before daylight.
Daylight. It is daylight. Who will give you a ride back?
I hope no one. I want to walk and have a bus hit me.
You kept sacrificing me last night. You would just yell out "Virgin Sacrifice!!" and then throw me into a circle of men.
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
Are you trying to say I've made an emotionally well rounded transformation similar to the Grinch?
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
How drunk you think somebody has to be, that they think that putting out a profile pic like that can be even a slightly good idea?
Nice classy night out before we roll our faces off
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
Randomize
