i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
New Jersey isn't a real state, it's just a myth you tell little kids to scare them like Canada or Carrot Top
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
I had fun watching you interact with the world around you. Like a fuckin 8 year old kid who just discovered build a bear but really wants a cigarette.
She kept saying how cute and adorable I was. I felt like a care bear getting a blowjob
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
You need to let him know my only agenda is coke and sadness.
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
My skirt was too short for the church and I brought my flask to the Scrooge play. God bless us, everyone!
We are actually the same person except with opposite genitalia, which are both incredible.
To shove my foot up anybody ass who tries to start shit. I'm not takin shit this year. That and I wanna volunteer somewhere to help make a difference
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
Guy just rode past on a lowrider bike smoking a blunt, I want his life
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