i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
do u think i could put an abortion on my debit card?
She's the rare girl who loses weight and gets uglier.
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
His apartment number was 69. I had to.
you kept looking at stripers and saying " Go to College"
I don't think of it as I'm taking a pole dancing class...its more like I'm making myself recession proof
Like that time I held Annie up and she peed all over the window.. We make a good team.
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
I came back to consciousness and found myself sitting in a beanbag chair petting a 2 month old husky with one hand and eating an oreo Klondike bar with the other. This almost makes me forgive blackout lisa for making out with that chubbs at the xmas party
I have stickers all over my boobs and a lump the size of china on my forehead. today has not been good.
Probably gonna run and pray I throw up. Then go get a coffee/bagel & continue to rally
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
Randomize
