Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
Last day of classes. 1st day attending every class. I'm proud of myself
Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk
It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you
His mom told be she once got turned down for playboy. 1 biggest mistake Hugh made. 2 is she hitting on me?
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
We tried to line dance with everyone but it turned into drunken stumbling and attempting to grind on random frat boys. I feel that this might turn into an every Thursday thing.
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
We go out, we get drunk, we watch Star Wars, we pass out. What's wrong with this tradition?
Maybe if I get to know him I'll stop wanting to fuck his wife so much.
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
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