My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
I even made an effort to dress like a conservative young lady who doesnt black out and throw up in her bed regularly today.
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
she played "i just wanna get married" by jagged edge while we were having sex. why cant i avoid stage 5 clingers
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
Bailey. He has a soul patch. Idgaf if he was an NFL player. Nobody with a soul patch is attractive.
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
Someone broke in while we were at the bars, window is shattered but nothing got taken
Noone broke in, matt tried to pull a tyrese and punch through the window... were at the hospital.
No other way to put this but the dick was not worth him crying for an hour after. No more online hookups.
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
Randomize
