ok 1 i realized people actually live in central wisconsin and 2 culvers could be a good place to pick up chicks today
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
YOU BROUGHT HANDCUFFS TO THE WHITE ELEPHANT EXCHANGE AND DIDN'T TELL ME???
dude, she has my telletubby sweats and my good sweatshirt hostage, I can't risk their safety with a breakup
Oh my god the guy at DQ just gave me the number 69 and winked at me
I screenshoted his dick pic the other day because it literally looked like a brontosaurus. Like that really tall dinosaur that eats grass. Like I wanna draw a face on it.
hopefully I won't be diving through a thorn bush to escape an explosion this time
You really do take on your dog's personality she sounded like her pug breathing when we were going at it.
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