Hey look on the bright side if youre preg at least you know it and wont have it in a toilet
Did you see 7 ppl got hurt at Talladaga?
Did they get their mullets stuck in an engine?
i'm listening to "transmissions" by The Tea Party from like '97 and waxing my legs. fuck i'm awesome in my alone time
woke up and her hair clip was clamped around my shaft
In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
He just found another high guy at wal-mart. There now friends. His friend is eating a cupcake
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
When the shrooms kicked in we both simultaneously realized we were not the right puzzle piece for the dubstep puzzle.
We made eye contact and were like we are not welcome here, the ravers are onto us and we need to get the fuck out before we get shuffled upon
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
There's a bus with a band full of dancing women in bras. I think I like it here.
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
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