at russian wedding, no open bar. bottles of vodka at table. getting to work tomorrow may be an issue.
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
Oh god I can't handle any more dudes. I just walk of shamed to work wearing a guy's boxers and a life jacket. This summer is going to kill me.
Well the strippers have danced to goo goo dolls and green day, time of your life. Were all gonna commit suicide.
i like feelif swiord YOU ARE A GOD
my vagina hasn't met your boyfriend yet ... makes me sad
I'd apply for another job, but "staring out windows crying" is not a hot qualification right now.
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
after last night, ive never not wanted to live so much in my life.
As a member of the kink community, I feel grossly misrepresented
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
I stared at his dick and then told him to get on his knees
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