Good. I was naked most of the night. But sometimes I would wear my tux vest...But only my tux vest. It was classy
I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
I got to find out the airplane alcohol limit, and somehow I made it through the flight.
we have to top last new years. except im not ready for jail. that can wait a couple years
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
Is buying her a loofah for my house commitment like? I don't wanna give the wrong idea
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
You can't just beat off while driving someone else's car. Thats a rule
Thats your rule and this car is nice
you fail at everything in life besides blacking out
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
Mmm vodka always tastes better when i know i have work at 8am
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
its a comptetion of fuckups and im HERE TO WIN
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