if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
he's drinking at 8 in the morning. it's going to be one of those "or else the terrorists have won" kinda days
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
Holy mother of cocks. I was grind-with-my-boss drunk last night.
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
hi sober isdnt real. this is a mass rtoomate taext i thing. bye
AMAZING.
I will seriously deflate and melt into the floor into a puddle of devestation, shame and vodka.
The Mole People would help. They are a kind, helpful people, the Mole People are.
Mole people?
Mole people
We let 3 boys take us home and then we woke up in the middle of the night, stole all the coozies out of the house, a loaf of bread, a case of water, a pair of shorts, called a cab, and went home.
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
Vodka and Jamison is not a mixed drink
can i get licensed in dentistry online like a priest
Science requires me to take a picture of your nipples.
Randomize
