my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
Dude she has a fucking rock collection. Never will I ever talk to her again.
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
I just wanna get high and take a fucking awesome nap. Those are my goals for the week.
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
The modern romantic, surprising his gf w/ a gram of blow
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
the last thing is remember is that strange guy in the leotard...i woke up in my bed, naked, with a half eaten grilled cheese on my nightstand, a six pack in the fridge, a new pack of cigarettes on my pillow and coke in my purse. apparently i bought some drugs, shopped and cooked. typical.
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
Randomize
