White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
every time you want to hook up with a guy who has a girl friend, i'll just give you a freshman
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
I mean looking back on it, it's unlucky but at least now we can say we were in jail from 2011 to 2012
That's thinking positively..
You'd think, but when you nail one sorority sister, you might as well have nailed them all.
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
I think I shall call his penis Gatsby. We talk about it all the time, but I never see it.
Beer and tomahawks! Not gonna end well!
I knew it was on when all she had to say about the handcuffs was 'I really hope these adjust tighter!'
ED guy's penis finally worked last night. It was a Festivus miracle!
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
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