careful when you do the walk of shame, they are handing out bibles on campus
my brother is a facebook fan of two things: God, and Rhianna. if he's not a prime example of the rare "baptist closeted gay," i don't know who is.
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
her face looked like how i feel after Taco Bell
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
Thanks for letting me in last night. I was drunkenly sleepwalking.
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
People will say "JOE YOU MUST TURN DOWN" and I will refuse, in the name of liberty.
So you let the Viking explore your nether regions?
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
Somehow I went from sitting in a car upside down to waking up in the grass surounded by paramedics. It was a great night.
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
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