4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
think what you will about my sexuality, just get the cigarettes
nothing like a negative hiv test and a bag of condoms to brighten my day.
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
you were making out, puked over his shoulder and insisted everything was okay
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
what customs doesn't know wont hurt them
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
Nope. Turns put my desperate group message for sex didn't work out.
Well you sent it to two guys who were roommates.
They could have rock paper scissored for it. My vagina = the prize.
His balls will have been in my mouth at least once by this time tomorrow.
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
Randomize
