Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
he looked about as manly as a guy in a volkswagen bug can look
Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
Joey just asked me if I ever got anything stuck in my vag.
was it embarrassing when you had to say yes?
I wonder if you can snort coke upside down
Hint of advice dont get with minor league baseball players, you can google their stats but not their stds.
I just saw that cheerleader from u of arkansas that I hooked up with over spring break on espn. My parents would be so proud.
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
I think he's trying to finish jacking off before throwing up again
I dunno. The drunker I get, the easier econ gets. I may be onto something here.
The fact that a spice girls song is stuck in my head is a great sign that my decisions aren't the right ones at the moment...
Randomize
