I'm being pulled over???
For what!?!?!
??? I'm in a cab!!!!!
They use the phrase "final warning" so often the words have lost all meaning.
His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
Cocaine Wednesdays have to stop turning into no work Thursday
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
Find me a cup with a lid so I can illegally drink in your car. I'll be there in bout 10 minutes.
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
I'm getting high with a 50 year old car wash guy. Enough said.
Well I'm a full service fuck buddy so lemme know if I can get you food or water or anything
pizza hut and my weed lady just showed up at the same time. I feel 22 again.
Chasing down vodka with apple juice and crying. Alone.
he asked if he should bring the trash can into the room.. apparently i shoved my finger all over his face and said.. shhhh dont talk... just take your pants off.
send nudes
from the living room?
Randomize
