Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
We argued about the championship during sex. Absolutely the manliest moment of my life.
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
Sorry I didn't take you making out with him all night as a hint you wanted nothing to do with him...
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
It's all fun and games until your in the alumni campus center puking on the floor
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
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