Just threw up off a chairlift. my life is now complete.
i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
Slept in my car last night. It snowed. I peed on the street. Hello 29...
For public speaking we have to bring an object that describes us to class. Can't decide if I wanna bring a flask or a shot glass.
Know of anyone who would be interested in trading weed for meatballs?
I can't believe he let me cut his hair as stoned as I was.. I think I even cut my own hair too
I was only out of town for 1 week. His cell records show he texted 63 ex-gfs and hookups while I was gone. And 10 condoms are missing.
I couldn't sleep so I took 4 shots of vodka and promptly threw up in the sink. Happy Thursday
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
Let me be the vehicle for you to live out your slutty half-gay dreams.
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
She said she was sorry for rolling around in her own vomit. Honestly, I thought it really added to the party.
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Randomize
