I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
she kept yelling 'call me bella'
I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
He wasn't there when I woke up so I left him a heart shaped line before I left.
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
i'm almost positive she was a dude but like it doesn't even matter
re read what you just said
You can't mix blow jobs, bacon, and Star Wars.
A) just did. And b-z) that sounds like a great Sunday morning.
There comes a point, as I lay on the floor of the work disabled toilets contemplating catching 10 minutes sleep between chunders, that I wonder if its really worth it
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
I'm being hhit on by creepy guys please come one bought me a penis hat balloon animal save meeeee
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
If I have put a neon “vacancy” sign on my skirt for him to get the picture I will.
Randomize
