Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
The Fresno prostitute seemed offended all I wanted from her was directions back to the freeway.
I miss waking up knowing you're passed out under my bed.
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
He started tongueing his parfait and told "thats what I'd to your ass" in the middle of Starbucks. Of course i brought him home
I have so many feelings about this burrito
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
There's a rash on my genitals that would like a word with you.
Oh god...Did I just fuck a sugar granddaddy?!
i had to call him over, it was my last chance at getting some tonight
HE HAS A RESTRAINING ORDER AGAINST U!!!
it expires tomorrow
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