i am NOT doing that with my feet, or any part of my body
i woke up with socks on this morning
so?
i didnt wear socks last night
I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
that's not even the weird part though. he already knew where the bathroom was, he might have been here before..
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
Reached a new low. Drinking Wine from my thermos while on the stair master.
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
It's after midnight. I didn't find the answer to my problem, but I did find the bottom of a bottle of vodka, so... there's that.
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
I'm covered in bruises and scratches. I dont know whether to call them battlescars or sex decals
Randomize
