Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
it was the least impressive dick i've ever seen... and i've changed babies' diapers.
best googles of the semester: toe fucking, purpose of two nostrils, human tail. with pictures
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
my host sister just stared at me as i knocked over the lamp, then took out all my chocolate, walked into the bathroom, and locked the door. i'm officially the worst exchange student ever.
I just had a flashback of me saying "I'm not ready to be a deadbeat mom" lastnight.
bleeding from the face, sitting in a shopping cart and holding a wad of ripped caution tape. what else would i be doing?
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
I don't know how guys can take themselves seriously when they see themselves naked
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
I moved to this city Tuesday and got laid Saturday. Still got it.
I don't trust him but hanging out with him might be fun
he's literally satan but yeah probably
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
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