sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
Just traded a samurai sword for some drugs. It's gonna be one random ass night
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
I'm sorry I was just sleeping on the kitchen floor I'm too dead to think
On a side note, my ex husband offered to buy me shrooms
He was really cute! And I know but it's just like getting my fix ya know? He's basically a human vibrator.
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
it is time to test the effects of half a loaf of bread and overconfidence on the human body
Randomize
