I'm drinking ghetto ass mojitos!
Wow. How can mojitos be ghetto?
Squirt + bacardi limon + limes = ghetto mojitos
I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
i have absolutely no control over my now miserable and whore-ish lifestyle.
The ratio was 19 to 1 and the 1 was lauren so it didn't even count.
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
no i decided against it. savin my coke binge for finals week.
She has puke on the back of her shirt not quite sure how the hell she did that
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
I'm the one on the patio wearing underwear. Holding a pipe. Pigtail and glasses. Can't miss me.
My vibrator looks like a lipstick tube. So does my mace. I just realized the potential problems of keeping them both in the same bag.
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
Threesomes are not as fun as you'd think. I left with a black eye and I'm not sure who's to blame.
You kept calling yourself a spider monkey... Then ran to the bathroom to "prepare for the main event"
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
Randomize
