I thought all girls wanted is to get a boner
you want to re-phrase that?
This girl in my class is wearing a sweatshirt that says "LEAD ME NOT INTO TEMPTATION" ahaha I almost just laughed out loud. We could never be friends
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
he paid for dinner at the eiffel tower. drinks at a bar on the champs elysees. gave me a motorcycle ride back to his house, got us heineken and then took me to park overlooking paris. where he ate me out on a park bench. still have doubts about the french?
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
Sorry about all of the penis things that happened last night.
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
when I walked in the door they were passed out naked, on top of eachother, with tetris controllers in their hands.
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
Randomize
