i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
As it would turn out, "jesusssssss" is not the password to enter Faith Chapel's wifi network.
dude, I just walked in on your little brother changing clothes...I'm ashamed to say I noticed, but that kid has as MASSIVE cock...
Yeah...we all know. it's the elephant in the room at family gatherings.
that is a frighteningly accurate metaphor for it.
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
Although, to be fair, I am both willing and going to lick marshmallow fluff off of your dick.
My relaxing drive may end up as a surprise bootycall in Pittsburgh. Don't try to stop me.
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
I did nothing besides stay sober all night, I walked home to find max naked knocking cups off the counter with his cock lol
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
It's home.......I'm going to the store in disguise to get skittles and cake frosting. Then I'll eat the frosting in a dark corner while I cry and wonder what I did to deserve this.
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
Like, I don't need to know your life dude. I just need you to suck my tits.
Randomize
