dude i just saw a topless girl trying to get into her locked car. im moving here
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
I really hope he dies in a tragic kegstand mishap
yea man just watch out- theres a shitload of broken glass in your bed
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
I'd feel sorry for him and his injury but it's an inconvenience for my vagina
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
The cab driver just showed us a POV shot of himself getting ridden by a chick he took with his flip phone. Confirmed not taken in cab. Gonna be a good night...
I may or may not be wearing slippers and a TMNT hat. This thing better not have a dress code.
You've opened Pandora's butthole my friend. There's no going back.
I might as well just sew it shut at this point.
Just sitting at dinner with my dad...simultaneously texting "daddy" to confirm saturday's spanking and telling another guy to get condoms before Im done with dinner. Don't know when I got so ate up but I'm loving it. You?
Regretting asking you what you were doing.
I just spent 100$ at a sex shop to make myself feel better. And I signed you up to win 200$ so if you win, it's mine. And yes I'm serious.
Arrived home from picking Mom and Nana up at the airport to find Marc buck ass nude beneath the Christmas tree. Nana says she always knew I was queer.
Randomize
