How do 1 in 4 women misread a pregnancy test; how stupid are women?
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
Well I don't think you could recreate that hangover if you tried. It was like the perfect storm of hangovers.
you never know, standards drop, they turn gay, shit happens.
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
After 13 tally marks I wrote the number 4,000 and made u sign my arm to prove it.
Drunbk and roasting marshmallows on my stove. Accidentally singed the catr's fur but she'sd alright.
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
I'm sorry I didn't respond. I had a shit day. However, I just masturbated to Adele's Rolling In the Deep while crying. It was oddly therapeutic.
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
Is there a polite way to say "Sorry for your head injury but I still want to hook up"?
Oh, that was the alley that I ate a pine cone in.
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
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