yeah so this exboyfriend of yours reckons you're still together and he punched me in the face cos i slept with you last week. you might wanna have a word with him or at a minimum change your facebook status.
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
Harry Potter. Singing. Sobering up. In that order.
The djing cat is back again. I think he just makes appearances when im shit drunk just to fuck with my mind.
...and the foreplay consisted of me threatening to cut off his hand if he didn't remove it from my back.
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
He fell on top of me at a party. I slept with him a week later. We've been fucking for 2 moths. Most successful relationship ever.
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
So changing channels while she's on top is frowned upon. It's back to thinking about baseball again.
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
Yupp. He's definitely a screamer.
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