Like worst hickies ever he always gives them like wtf
If the pens lose tonight I'm gonna drive to Detroit and burn 8 mile to the ground.
Actually I may do that regardless. Probably get my own holiday.
john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
There really should be an "avoid ghetto" option on my GPS.
the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
Got kicked out of the baseball game with a 4 officer escort. Not bad for a monday night.
what is it with giant penises always finding me
she tried strangling devon with the garden hose. pretty sure they're broken up
Dreamed I made out with a stranger after falling out of a car, let's make this happen tonight.
Hey, I got 20% of the people home that I was responsible for. I can't be expected to do much more.
Passing out is my livers way of protecting my mind.
My vag is like the Sahara
Ew that's gross.
The sad truth. Barren and empty.
He doesn't deserve you. Your ass looks 8 times better than his face ever will. Wanna order pizza and watch porn?
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
Randomize