I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
IM INA KID IN KING ATURHTS CUNT!
A Kid In King Arthur's Court? Like the movie?
CUNT. CUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUNT
Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
apparently i found nail polish and started playing a game i made up called "paint a nail, do a shot"
Oh shit. There are penis maracas
I obviously couldn't but this on your fbook wall. I would get judge. I would willingly get tbagged by him. You can quote me on that.
His penis smells like laundry I just wanted to cuddle it
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
And to add, there was a fat guy right next to me who, when the girls would shake their butts, he would let out a shrill xena warrior princess cheer
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
Just got a snapchat from him that was a video of with the caption "my new apartment" in Brazil. I think we might not be seeing eachother anymore.
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
I had perfectly good intentions but my penis had other ideas and now I need a place to crash what do you say
Randomize
