I had total buyers remorse when i finally got him naked. All that effort for a dude that hairy? Come on.
i told him i was sober and he walked away immediately.
i dont mean to point any fingers but there is a lot of urine in the kitchen
this is a mass text to all the people i smoke weed with. I have Mono, so if we've shared a bong/pipe. sorry man.
You said you were going to take the sideview mirror to your own car so that nobody would steal it. Thats why you woke up with it.
I found your bra. How you get it off the satellite dish is your problem.
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
I'm going to miss recovering from hangovers on the beach. Rolling around in my dorm bed and watching Friends reruns is just gonna feel like slumming it.
Your trash is full of condoms and yoohoos what a great life we live
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
Randomize