Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
I don't know if it's her mysterious past or atrocious grammar, but I think I'm in love.
the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
Sorry I never showed up last night. It was between spending time with you and our freinds or having violent multiple orgasims. I chose the low road.
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
I couldn't sleep so I took 4 shots of vodka and promptly threw up in the sink. Happy Thursday
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
This is the second girl that said she wanted to fuck me while wearing a clown nose. Fuck online dating
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
My ass is underappreciated
He pulled out a Plan B pill and handed it to me as I left like it was a party favor. God Bless America.
I just had a man tell me he was going to think about me when he was fucking his wife tonight. This is my proudest moment as a gay.
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
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