Waaait I'm alsleep in myt car somewhere
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
We had a race to see who could chug their vodka tonic faster. College doesn't seem to be working for me... I'm getting exponentially dumber
well, the drug dealer I've been fucking the past 5 months gave me a chilis gift card for Christmas, so things are looking up.
Regardless of age or alcohol consumption, the knowledge that my dad spanks my mom sexually has the very real potential to fuck my shit up.
I actually just took 17 pictures of some guy at the gas station that needs to marry me now
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
Well my parents know I get medical Cannabis they saw me on the news at the dispensary
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
I went to watch porn and there's already 3 Santa videos. Happy November 1st.
I came so hard I literally levitated off the top of his dick. Gravity was no match for that orgasm!
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
This chick just walked out of the men's room with molly all over her nose and her shirt half unbuttoned. She nodded to all of us and said "gentlemen" as she exited
Randomize
