Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
At least you didnt end up topless in a Tina Turner wig singing cabaret tunes
I don't know how God could bestow someone that emotionally confused with such an awesome penis.
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
his dad came out and found me sleeping indian style on the couch with my cup balancing on my boobs. didn't spill a drop.
i feel like im paying for every hangover i didnt experience last year as a freshman. thank you sophomore year.
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
Yeah I remember doing the worm in my moms room. While she's yelling at me and I'm making seagull nooises
Not too bad but came home early cuz business was shut down due to an employee sexually harrassing the inspector
Yeah started playing at the wedding last night, when the line. "Ludacris fills cups like DD" he starts pointing at my tits right in front of his grandparents.
I have to go buy generic plan b after work. I don't even leave for the new semester for another 11 days. I think I just leveled up in sluttiness
At least you got some excitement going on, you got weed and might die tonight, I'm just sitting here bored as fuck.
so.. please tell me you did not really sleep on the washing machine last night
guilty
Randomize
