nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
did i walk over a car last night?
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
I kind of learned that hotels are unnecessary. Boys will just take you home, but that's tough with a group. I believe in us, though.
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
I just realized I'm the burger in your burger and steak anology. Very disconcerting.
I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night?
I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
It was like in the Christmas carol when the guy pulls his robe back and 2 small children appear... except this time it was a massive scrotum
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
I would go disguised as someone he didn't have premature ejaculative sex with but I don't know if I could stay in character.
Randomize
