8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
ohhh my god. this party should be titled "my hookups of summers past" be expecting some good stories tomorrow
theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
In case you come back to the room and i'm not here, yes there's a cup filled with gravy in the microwave. Just take it out if you need to heat something.
Sometimes I look at the people in school that are obviously very diligent and on top of their studies, and then I wonder why they don't smoke weed.
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
So unmotivated today.
Who am I kidding. So unmotivated this decade.
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
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